You're so nebulous sometimes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
