what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Four minutes until I can fart!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
