Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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