It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
