I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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