I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
