You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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