Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
