i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
