I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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