Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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