His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I touched a dick in church today
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
