I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
