He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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