Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
