it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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