Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
