I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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