he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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