Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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