wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
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I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
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YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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