What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
