Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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