His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
