Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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