I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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