does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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