I hate your face
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
