is your mom at the bar?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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