Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Man Helps Gorilla Find His Next Tinder Date
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Women Confess The Weirdest Things Men Wanted From Them
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.