We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
