this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
