Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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