What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
