last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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