Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
