i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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