it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
please come you make the beer taste better
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
