I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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