I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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