Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
