I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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