im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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