you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
