You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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