Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
whose parrot is this?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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