RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
