I molested 6 butterflies tonight
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dignity is for republicans.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
