i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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