Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
