she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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